I'm so mad and so bitter that Jovi died. I'm so mad this is my life. I'm so mad that for the rest of my life I get to live missing someone I love so much for FOREVER. There is something about the second year... the seconds of everything... that is so hard. Dare I say harder than the first?! Maybe not harder... but different and harder in its own way. It's so final. So for sure. The reality of our situation has really sunk in. Last year, I think the shock is what got me through all the firsts. The sheer shock of losing my baby made me make it through. The shock has worn off and the reality is now here. Jovi's not coming back. She's gone for the rest of this life. And it sucks. It sucks more than I could describe. I lived all last year knowing she was gone and not coming back, but there is something about hitting the second year that makes it that much more cemented and that much more real.
I used to "look forward" to buying things for Jovi's grave and going to visit. Decorating for each upcoming holiday and visiting on every single holiday or special day or just random occasion. I don't look forward to it now. I hate it. I hate that I have to decorate a grave for Halloween. I hate that I have to go look for decor to take to where my daughter is buried. I hate that I have to do it at all. So, it's been a long time since I've been there. We went recently and it felt okay. Better than I had anticipated. But, I left again... feeling so frustrated with it all. So, so sad.
I used to think an answer to SIDS or why Jovi died would bring her back. As if a diagnosis could change time and I could go back and save her. It's weird because I knew this couldn't happen. Six months ago, I knew an answer couldn't save her... but, I lived in some dream fantasy where I thought, subconsciously, it could. Sort of like the entire first month she was gone, I thought that someone would just show up with her on the porch apologizing that they made a mistake. I, of course, want an answer to SIDS. Want someone to fix this problem so another family/baby can be saved, but it'll bring it's own set of issues, too. Why couldn't it have happened earlier and my baby could have been saved?
I just find myself more mad than I've ever been before. And I just don't get it. For the life of me, I don't get how she was just here one minute then gone the next. What the hell? It still doesn't make sense and there are days I'm just so mad. How can this happen? I think Lila has made that harder. Because I hold her and think in two hours, she could be just be gone... never coming back. Really? How??? Jovi's little body failed her. It just stopped working. Her heart just stopped beating and she just stopped breathing... why? And how was she just gone? In an instant. No warning. No nothing.
Jovi, I find myself wanting to be able to explain to you how much you are missed. And I can't. I can't even come up with words that could explain it. I know you know. I know you know how much I miss you.... how much I love you... and how much I think about you all day even though I don't visit you as much as I used to. I know you know you are loved. I miss you... I'd do anything to have you here now. I love you, sunshine, to Heaven and back.
|"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13:7