Thursday, October 17, 2013

Last Few Weeks

Mixed emotions here lately.

We had the local SIDS walk Sunday. It's amazing the amount of people that showed up to support my family... to honor Jovi. There was probably 75 people there to honor my little love. I was shocked and speechless by the love we were shown again. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Two friends even put together Jovi shirts. It was overwhelming to see her face on countless people... Amazing and heartbreaking. It was another day of filled with shock, love, and feeling so blessed... but then wishing it wasn't me. Wishing it wasn't my baby... and wishing Jovi was here. It was another day filled with constant reminders that my daughter isn't here. Another day filled with wishing this wasn't my life and that I didn't have to do this. Such a mix of emotions.

Jovi's picture was featured in the Parents magazine in an article about SIDS. Just another wishing it wasn't her face there, but so neat to have her face out there. It was an article basically saying that if you do A, B, and C then your baby will survive. It's entire focus was the safe sleep campaign. It upset many SIDS moms and as I was reading it the first time, I got offensive, too. I did everything I could to keep my baby alive... but then I see pictures of friends babies sleeping on Facebook and realize the safe sleep message still needs to be spread. And, I understand the need for spreading the work to sleep your baby as safe as possible. It's very much needed.

We had to go through another Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Ugh. Another day where I just wish I didn't have to know what that day was or that it even existed much less having to light a candle to honor and remember my own baby. Is this real life?

I can't wait for Heaven. I know I freak people out when I say that. I know it makes people feel weird. But, who wouldn't want to live in paradise forever?! No tears, no sadness, no despair, no anxiety, no stress... just FOREVER with Jesus and those I love... and the precious baby I haven't seen in 15 months. That's what real life I want and that's what real life I can't wait to have... but I'll continue trying to bring Heaven here, too.

"Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes.There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children." Revelations 21:1-7

Have I told you I can't wait for this?!


  1. This was my first year participating in the National Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I went to a local event. So many people. So much heartbreak. So much love. I never knew this day really existed before. Or did I? Things sure change. So neat about the SIDS walk. Would love to see a picture of the shirts. I wish there was more local SIDS-specific support here.
    I am the same way about not being able to wait for heaven! My whole attitude about that has changed dramatically. My Grandma is 84. Of course I will miss her when she goes, but she will get to be with Jesus - and her son whom she lost 50 years ago! Oh - how I will envy her that. How I will truly envy her that.

  2. I felt the same way, and also wrote about my frustrations. I also agree that the safe sleep message needs to be spread, but also so does the fact that parents who do everything right can still lose their babies. Case in point is the nasty commenter who posted under my blog post on this, proving that so much ignorance still exists about SIDS

    We also had a walk during the birthday month, and raised 7k for the CJ Foundation. It was touching to see all the support. I hope that it continues year to year for both of us.