Thursday, October 17, 2013

J is for Jovi

Jovi girl-

We talk about you so often in this house. We have pictures of you all over the house. I love to look at your face and sometimes stop and kiss you goodnight after I tuck your brother in... there is a picture of you right outside his room. It's perfect. The other day, we had a friend over with a baby who was all over some "block" pictures we have of you. The pictures are mod podged onto wood, so they aren't easily broken by any means. The little boy was playing with the block pictures of you... your brother came and took them away and placed them on the counter. Right after the little guy left, he took them down and put them back in their place. He looked longingly at the pictures and said he missed you so much... and then quietly, sadly added, "I wish Jovi didn't have to die". Ugh. Me too, buddy. I can't tell you how often I wish my life was different or how often I wish.... I crave.... I long for you back in our house... back in my arms. Back to bug your brother and steal his toys. Back so we could all touch your sweet face, snuggle you, kiss YOU goodnight and not pictures or look at pictures dreaming of what my life could be... or what your life could have been. And it isn't just me. It's your daddy... your nana... your papa... your grandma... your grandpa... your cousins... aunts... uncles... and very much your four year old brother. He stayed with Grandma tonight for a bit at Auntie Jo's house. He was at Auntie Jo's when we picked him up after you passed away. His first question when we picked him up was "Where is baby Jovi?". The question and the innocence of his voice still haunts me to this day. When we picked him up tonight, he immediately asked where Lila was... I wonder if he's afraid. Afraid she will just someday leave like you did. I can't tell you how much we all miss you. I can't say enough how much we wish you could have stayed.  

You are my first thought in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep. You haven't came to visit me in my dreams in so long. How I wish you'd come visit. I love to be able to wake up realizing I'd just spent what felt like hours with you...snuggling you... loving you... I never knew my heart could miss someone so much. I never knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. You and I had a special bond. One that was instant from the start. I loved you from the minute I saw you. You were easy (minus those scary barfs and weird breathing stuff you did). You didn't cry. You loved to snuggle. LOVED to snuggle. As a mommy of three, you are my only one who loved to snuggle and boy did I love those snuggles. I'm so thankful for every moment I stopped to just hold you. You slept in my bed. I'm so thankful for all those midnight sleeps together. Have I told you lately that I miss you? And that I wish you were here? Because that's basically all I can say. How I wish we had ended differently... how I wish you were still here... and how I miss you so much it hurts... every minute of every day. How not a second goes by that I don't wonder what you'd be doing... or how I am drawn to 18 month old girls wanting to creepily just hold them and hug them to allow me to just know what it would be like to have you here now. I want to read you "Rainbow Rob" and "B is for Bear". Remember, "J is for Juice..." I always want to cover that page with "J is for Jovi..." and plaster your face all over the page. I see you everywhere. 

I can't wait for the day I get to see you again. I long for that day... I think about our reunion often and what an amazing day it will be when I get to see your face... one I've missed so much. It's going to be an amazing day. I pray every night asking Jesus to give you kisses and snuggles and I hope you are receiving every single one. Your mommy hasn't forgotten you, baby. Not for a second.

I wish you were here. I miss you more than I could ever even say. I love you, Jovi, to Heaven and back.


No comments:

Post a Comment