Anyways- as the weeks are really starting to count down to when Lila arrives, the stress and anxiety feels like it's in full swing.
I just realized the other day that when Lila comes, the time I have "with" Jovi... thinking about Jovi... and grieving Jovi is going to be less. This has caused me to not only feel guilty but worry that grieving will be set aside when a new baby arrives. Our normal routine has kept me going the last nine months, and I know it's going to have to change. That is scary and stressful. I, also, want to be sure that grieving and feelings for my baby in Heaven aren't shoved under the rug only to come up months or years later and they are a hundred times worse than they would have been if not stuffed... I've spent so much time working on myself... working on my heart... processing Jovi and everything that's happened.... It's crazy to think that I won't have that time anymore. Hopefully, the time I've spent grieving will prepare me for having time that I don't "have" to everyday... at the same time... I know I will still grieve Jovi. Lila isn't going to come in and miraculously make everything better. She won't make us move on. She's still and forever will be my baby and now, is going to be a big sister. I just read a friends blog post on their new baby she's having and said she will never get just one picture of all her kids together. That thought is so, so sad. And so heartbreaking. No one should ever have include a picture of a grave to capture all of their children. Ugh. Anyways- it's heartbreaking to think my grieving time during the day is going to be hit... and it's hard not to feel guilty. Granted, I know Jovi can't be mad... or feel she is getting pushed out... Or that we don't continue to include her in our family and our babies. She will always be a part of this family. Always. She will always continue to teach us all things even though she is in Heaven... even if she's never met her sibling.
It's, also, stressful worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong with Lila. I, for the most part, have felt pretty good. I have prayed and prayed over this baby and trust in God that she is going to be okay. She is going to live. She is going to cry. I'm going to get to hold my living, breathing, crying, heart-beating baby. I will. But, there are times when I'm grappled with fear that she won't be... and I there are times, I literally have to remind myself she is going to live... not going to die. My sweet Jovi died in her bed... what any parent would think is one of the most safe places for their baby. She was sleeping. She just died with no warning and no reason. I realize that babies are not resilient. Because mine just died. It's hard to remember that's not going to happen. She's going to live. Then, I find myself feeling entirely guilty for not trusting in God and for not having faith. Then, I'm wrapped with fear and more guilt... I'm trying so very hard to remind myself I'm human. I'm not going to be strong all the time. God is LOVE. A compassionate God. He understands how I feel. He has to realize what I've been through... And that helps. The closer I get to seeing Lila, the more anticipation I feel. I can't wait to see her. I can't wait to hold her. I feel more attached to her at this point than I have the other kids and that is scary, too. Thankfully, I have some compassionate OBs and some compassionate pediatricians who understand my fears no matter how illogical they seem to be. We started non-stress tests last week and they have been helpful in easing my mind. They've, also, been relaxing... and so fun to hear Lila's heartbeating strong and going up and down with her movements. I've enjoyed them. I don't think I'll even get sick of them even though they are 2x's a week. Lila's room is almost finished. I'm wanting to post pictures of the difference of the rooms... the transformation from Jovi's room to Lila's room. It was so very hard. But, it was so healing. It really was. I have enjoyed walking by now and seeing all her little things in her room... all ready for a new baby. We put some of Jovi's stuff from her room in Lila's room, too. It's sweet seeing her things in her baby sister's room.
My mantra the next few weeks is just going to be "Everything's going to be alright".
I can do this.
Jovi Sloan- I continue to miss you more than words can say. Your sister will never take your place. You will always be our second baby... our first girl. You are just going to be a big sister. We will always include you in our family... we will NEVER forget you. I love you sooo much, sunshine, to Heaven and back.
|"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a further." Jeremiah 29:11|