Monday, December 10, 2012

5 Months

Holy cow. Where has the time gone? How has it already been five months since I've seen your pretty blue eyes.... No matter how much time passes, the fact that you are gone still just seems so entirely unfair. I never knew I could just miss someone so, so much.

We've been hanging in there during this holiday season. Mostly, I'd love to just sleep it away or pretend it wasn't happening. I'm so thankful for Cash. He continues to force us to continue on as normally as possible... as I'd love to skip out on numerous activities this season, I can't for his sake. I know it's good for me, too. I don't think skipping things now is a good set up for future holidays. We have to keep going. We have to keep trying.

We got a beautiful ornament and picture frame engraved with Jovi's footprints. Cash saw them and asked if they were Jovi's feet. I told him they were. He said they made him sad. Then, asked about why she was in the ground. Then, so sadly said, "She doesn't even poop in her diaper, anymore.". All I could think of was the smallest things make me so sad, too. I didn't think I'd ever miss changing diapers, but I do. It breaks my heart he has to live this, too. Just like we crave Jovi back in our house so much, so does he. She left a huge impact on all of us...

My work party was this weekend. A co-worker asked, "Are the kids with your mom?". The simplest of statements... and yet, it stung so much. She realized later what she said and was sure to mention she meant Cash. I know she meant nothing by it and the fact she remembered I DO have two kids is nice. But, it was still so very hard to swallow. I cried all the way home because I didn't get to go pick up my baby who was too little to spend the night at my parents house. How I just wish things would have been different for us...

I feel God in my life so much more now than I ever have before. My faith in Him has grown so much. I can see Him everywhere. Part of that has to be because I've relied and trusted on Him more than ever... and part of it has to be because a piece of me is already with Him in Heaven. I know I say it all the time, but I'm so thankful for faith. I'd be lost thinking this is the end.... this is by no means the end. Thank you, Jesus.

Oh, Jovi. I could never say how much I miss you. I never before knew I could miss someone this much. Everything we've been doing, I think of how it'd be if you were here. You are always missed. You are always thought about. I just miss you. I just miss you soooo soooo soooo very much. Do you remember how you loved to snuggle? You were the best baby. You never cried as long as you were in someone's arms... You wouldn't last long in your swing or laying on the floor. You just loved to be held... and I loved it! I finally got a snuggler! I miss you more than words could ever describe, baby. I love you to Heaven and back.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 


3 comments:

  1. Thinking of you during this time! I am so glad you have your son to help you. I wish I had more comforting words to help, but I know there are none = (

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