LJ is Admitted

Little Lila spent six total days in the hospital this month. We "celebrated" the 4th of July in the hospital. We missed out on Parker's Place (a camp for families who have lost a child), and we faced a lot

of fears. She was discharged just two days before Jovi's anniversary. Stressful? Very. But, did create a distraction even if it was a very bad distraction. 

Lila had been sick off and on for awhile with a lingering cough. I'd taken her in numerous times and she even was on antibiotics just 2 weeks before admit. LJ got really sick on Tuesday. Fever of 102. Lethargic. No appetite. Threw up once. I assumed that she had the barfs. I was prepared for a long night with a barfing kiddo. She slept all night. Woke up at 4 am with a 103 fever. She was sounding pretty junky and really lethargic. I was reading stuff online (good ole trust google) and really thought she could have pneumonia. All the signs were everything she had had recently... 

She was seen at peds office. We went for an X-ray and lab work. X-ray showed left lower lobe pneumonia. Labs came back looking ok but not bad/not great. Decided to admit her (I think started mainly because of our crappy history). 

By the time we got to the hospital, she wouldn't lift up her head and had a fever of 105. This was the scariest moment. She was so sick and I was so thankful to be where someone else could "save her". 

I didn't realize how scared I was until we finally came home. And I could finally process how crappy that week was and how terrified I was of losing her. After all, it seems much more probable for someone to die from pneumonia than  nothing at all. 

She was on oxygen and iv antibiotics. We slept together one bed which was sweet at first since we aren't a cosleeping family. But, as she slowly got better, it got harder to keep her entertained and to drift off to sleep. She ate her weight in crackers. Learned how to make the bed go up and down. Got numerous new toys (thank you everyone). Gave me forty kisses before falling asleep... She really did so well for being strapped down in a bed for so long. I was very proud of her. 

We were so blessed and had some great nurses. My good friend was one of our nurses for half of our stay. She's a Godsend. Really. And the other, was so funny and been on the peds floor for a very long time. I briefly knew her as well. We were so lucky to have them and our favorite pediatrician to help us (mainly me) through such a hard time and help LJ get better. 

She's continuing to do very well. And seems to feel much better. I'm praying she will be able to keep bugs away for awhile. She's such a joy. She's so happy and I'm so, SO thankful she's still here in my arms. 

Two Years

Jovi Sloan, 

How has it been two years since I've held

you? How has it been two years since I've snuggled you? How has it been two years since I've kissed your sweet cheeks or ran my fingers through your chimpanzee hair? 

It seems like yesterday that you were here and, at the same time, seems like eons that I've held you. I don't understand time and still struggle with the fact that time continues to move forward even though you are no longer here. 

I think of you so much during the day and I don't get how it's no longer "just yesterday" that you died. 

I will never forget you. 

I will continue to keep your name and memory alive in our home. 

I will forever strive to be better because of you. 

I will continue to dream of the day we are reunited and get to live together FOREVER as a family. 

I'm so blessed to be your mommy. You continue to inspire and change lives even though you don't even live on this earth. 

You. Are. Remarkable. 

You. Are. So. Loved. 

You. Are. So. Very. Missed. 

I love you all the way to Heaven and back. 

Love, 

Mommy

We went to visit you on your 2 years in Heaven date. Cash misses you so very much. He still talks about you. Lila has to have a connection with you. We have a picture of you that she can reach and she likes to carry you all over the house. 

Have I told you that you are missed and you are so loved?

Bigger

I've struggled so much with the saying "Everything happens for a reason". Or "God took your baby because He needed another angel". Really anything that blames God for taking my baby. 

When Jovi died, I was inundated with scriptures. Scriptures that said only good would happen to me if I followed Christ. Wait, wasn't I following Him? Didn't my baby just die? Or that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Or there is a season for everything. So, there is a season for my baby dying? I didn't get it. None of it made sense. People gave me these scriptures thinking they'd make me feel so much better about Jovi's death. They didn't. 

I've recently been thinking more about this. Thinking about God and where He is in all of this. And I have drawn my own conclusions about God and His love for me. 

Christ loves me. He loves me. He loves me in a way I could never imagine. I look at the way I love my own children and God loves me even more than that. It boggles my mind, really. The love He has for me is out of this world. The mercy He has for me is indescribable. The forgiveness He has for me is incredible. So, this loving God, one who loves me in a way that's even more than the way I love my very own babies, He took my baby from me? I don't think so. And I can't think so. 

The way I see it, no matter what my child did, I would love him/her. My children are disciplined. They have punishments. But, despite any terrible, horrible thing they did, I couldn't/wouldn't ever punish them

in the way of taking their baby. I wouldn't beat them. I wouldn't drag them down. I wouldn't want to ever cause them intense, heartbreaking, horrendous grief. Grief and heartbreak that would follow them their entire lives. I wouldn't. And God loves me more than that. 

I don't believe Jovi was taken to teach me a lesson. I don't believe Jovi was taken to teach someone else or one million someone else's a lesson. I believe that Jovi died because we live in a messed up world. We live in a cruel world where some really horrible crap happens. Life is so unfair. And I believe she died simply because of the messed up, cruel world we live in. 

But, I do believe that my God is bigger than the messed up, cruel, and horribleness this world can have. My life turned black and white when Jovi died. It had no color. And God brought color to my black and white. He is bigger than death. My God is good. My God is loving. My God is kind and gentle. He's peace. He brought good out of something so awful because He is better and bigger than this life. He was able to take something so horrendous and make good things come out of it. 

God didn't take my baby. He didn't cause my heart to break. He didn't turn my life upside down. He brought me color. He brought me joy where I never thought I'd see it again. He brought me good. 

God is good. 

God is love.

 God is gentle.

God never promised it'd be easy, but He did promise He'd always be there. Things can happen for no reason at all, but He has the power to bring color to your black and white. He is bigger than death and bigger than this world. He will always let His light shine through. And for that light, I'm more thankful than I could ever say. 

She turns 1!

Lila June turned 1! And what a celebration we had! 

LJ- words can never explain what you've done for my heart. Words could never explain the sheer joy you've brought to our home. You love life. I know God sent you down to be a smiley, happy little lady to fill our home with many more smiles and much more happiness. The year has been hard. I've had times I thought you had died and I can't begin to explain the heartache and stress that was/is. It was worth every second of stress, though. 

You walk! You are walking all about. I'm so surprised considering you were so lazy. 

You talk! You say ball, baby, and mama. You had lots of ear infections and just got a set of tubes (talk about stress). All these words came after they were put in, so I'm so glad we did them! 

You laugh! Your laugh is the best sound. 

You smile! You love life. I say it all the time. You are filled with joy. Always smiling and always happy. You do everything in a BIG way. Not just chubby big ;) 

I can't wait for millions of more days, memories, and milestones with you. 

It's days like these that I remember I am blessed. 

Cash is 5!

How can it be?!

It seems like he was born just yestersay. 

Cash Elliot- I'll never be able to tell you how you saved me. How you made me continue to laugh and how you kept me going through the darkest time of my life. You are my little man of the house. Tonight, you opened my door and put my seatbelt on! What a gentleman! You contine to make me laugh. You continue to make me more patient. You are my favorite boy. 

You've completed preK this year. You didn't like crafts because they made your arms too tired. You like snack time (no surprise) and being line leader. 

You took swim class.

You love taking selfies. 

You can ride your bike without training wheels. 

You rode the BIG roller coaster at the local theme park. I don't know anyone who was more excited to FINALLY reach 42 in. 

You became a big brother again. Lila has been just as good for you as she has for me. You pray over her often to live. You love to help her walk. You love to make her laugh. 

You love to make anyone laugh. You tell some good stories. You told a friend that we dropped our dog off in the forest then drove away. Not true. We did give her to friends and she was left at a house... Not the woods. 

You decided you didn't need to sleep with Jovi bear anymore. She slept in your closet a few nights and then you gave her to Lila. You, on your own, decided you were big enough to sleep without her. This made me want to cry. Not only because you are getting so big, but because I think it was your way of moving on. You haven't forgotten, but knew it was time. 

I can't even write down all the awesome stuff you've done this year. I love you, monkey. So much. I can't imagine life without you. I pray for you to live another day every night. And I am still thankful to hear your feet walking down to my room... Even if it is at 4:30 am. 

Life Goes On

I want to get better at posting on here and better at showing life can keep going after it falls apart. It can be rebuilt. You will find a new normal. You will smile again. It will never be the same. You will measure life in pre-fall apart and post-fall apart. In my case, pre-Jovi and post-Jovi. I, sometimes, long for my pre-Jovi life back. I was so blissfully happy and blissfully unaware that my life was going to drastically change. Ignorance can be truly bliss. I see how happy, immature, and young I look in pictures before she died and I barely recognize that person. I am happy now. But, it's very different.  

I am forever changed by Jovi's life. I'm forever changed by Jovi's death. And while I long to, sometimes, go back to life before she died, I realize who I've become. I realize how I am a totally different person. I'm wiser. More mature. More serious. I take nothing for granted. I enjoy the smallest things thoroughly.

 I love stronger. 

I live harder. 

Life does keep going and while I forever wish my baby was here to love and hold, I realize I can never get her back. So, I have to embrace the life I've been given. Embrace the path that was chosen for me. And as cliche as it sounds, live this life to the fullest. 

Sweet Jovi

Jovi baby,

Tonight I sit here thinking about the person I've become because of you. I can't believe what you've done for me. All my babies are amazing blessings, but, you little lady, are something special. You are one of a kind.

You taught me so many things while you were here. You taught me so many lessons while you were still in my arms. It was times that you were here that you started to make me strong. You taught me that I can do so much on my own and you started building strength in my core. You've since continued to teach me strength in your death. More strength than I really ever wanted to know, but you have. You are amazing, baby.

You taught me life isn't perfect. Before you, I used to think everything was perfect and if it wasn't, I would never say. If money was tight or if you daddy and I were in an argument or if I got a ticket... I would never say those things... because it wasn't perfect. You taught me life isn't perfect and that's okay. Despite striving and doing everything in your power to do something, it sometimes doesn't work. And it isn't my fault. Sometimes, life is just entirely shitty and imperfect, and it's no ones fault. Do you remember when your brother knocked you over in your carseat in the cart at the store? One of my favorite memories of you now with you and your brother... but at the time, I was so embarrassed! But, life is imperfect. I am imperfect. When you died, I really realized how unfair, imperfect, and awful life can really be. And, I survived. I became more okay with imperfection.

Which leads me to being vulnerable. Never did I share emotion. Never did I show if I was sad or hurting or mad. You taught me emotions are okay; you taught me emotions are good. It's okay to share my struggles. It's okay to admit defeat. It's okay to have a shitty day. It's okay to be depressed. It's okay to feel fear and be terrified. You've taught me to be real. Vulnerable. Real. Share who I am with the world and not be afraid of how it responds. Do you see how remarkable you are?

Most importantly , you saved my soul. You made me love Jesus more than I ever realized possible. You made me strive to live for Him. You made me see Him in my everyday life. You brought Him into our home in so, so many ways. I could never say thank you enough for this. You, my dear, are the beyond incredible.

You continue to change me and impact me. You continue to do good. While I wish every day that you were still here, I see the impact you have made in your short life. I see you continuing to do good. I see God continuing to make the best out of the sheer awfulness of your absence. You are so good. God is so good.

You  are missed every second of the day. Your sister is starting to walk and I can only think of the best of friends you would be. You are an amazing big sister and I promise to keep you alive in our home, in your sister and your brother's lives. Your brother still talks about you. And how he misses you.

Will you visit me in a dream soon? I'm missing you so much. I'd love to snuggle you even just for a moment. You are remarkable and I continue to be blown away by the impact you've made in my life and of so many around me. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

Love,
Mommy