It's Not God

I posted last month about the over use of phrases about "it's in God's plan" or "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I've been thinking on this for months. Seeking answers and looking deeply into the God I love and the God who loves me. It boggles my mind that this God I have a relationship with would hurt me or cause me immense suffering, just to learn a lesson. And, then, it dawned on me even more that I don't think God is the cause of suffering. 

It started with God's plan. We aren't puppets. We have free will, but God has a plan for this world. God has a plan for me and my life. I believe God's plan is good and loving and full. God has an ending to this world's story and He is taking us all and using us all as part of His story. I believe that. But, I don't believe that He inflicts pain and suffering on us to better us or better others. To teach us a lesson or to teach someone else a lesson. 

We live in a broken world. Thank you, Adam and Eve, for creating a world with pain and destruction. Suffering not caused by God. God hates destruction. I can only imagine the pain and tears that suffering bring His loving heart. He despises it. So, why, then would He create it? All for a lesson? All because we need to be punished? 

I can't  imagine my loving God inflicting a single mom with Stage 4 cancer. I can't  my loving God giving a baby a tumor in utero. I can't imagine my God damning someone to be raped. I can't imagine Him taking a baby from his mother.  It doesn't make sense. I believe He wept when these things happened. His heart was heavy with sorrow. I can't imagine Him using these things for punishment. 

I think He comes in. And the bad, the destruction, Satan... They all try to deviate from His plan. But, He is bigger than anything. God is bigger than death. He is bigger than destruction. He is bigger than pain. Bigger than suffering. So much bigger than Satan. He comes in and He wraps the victim in love. And because He is bigger, He makes that shitty event for the better for those who love Him. He surrounds us with comfort and love and peace. And He has the sole power to turn that so awful event into something good. Only He can make it better because He is so good. 

I don't believe He took my baby. I believe He wept with me on the day my baby died. I don't believe I was punished. I don't believe Jovi was given a life of just  16 weeks. I believe that His heart was heavy when she passed and He worked His works to create her death for the good. To bring us back to His story. To get us back on track to loving Him and loving one another. 

I don't think suffering is in God's plan for us. He sent His Son to suffer for us. 

My God is bigger than suffering. Bigger than pain. Bigger than destruction. 

My God makes all things good. 

When Your World is Rocked

This post has been weighing on my heart since a local mom was just diagnosed with cancer. My heart hurts for her and is heavy knowing vaguely how it feels. I can't relate on the diagnosis, but I know what it's like and how it feels when your entire world is turned upside down. And suddenly your life is not normal and it's terrifying. I remember all too well how it feels to feel like you are drowning and how your chest feels so heavy you can barely breathe. I remember wanting to so badly to wake up from that nightmare. 

I remember the terrible things people would say to me. Telling me Jovi was too perfect for this earth. Or that God needed another angel. I remember them telling me that everything happens for a reason or that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I remember being told God gives and God takes away. It was all so insensitive. And so rude. And so cold. And I can hear the people telling her these insanely insensitive things and I want to apologize for them. I want to hug her and tell her that God does love her. And that sometimes life is insanely shitty. And that sometimes it isn't God. That I don't think God gave her cancer. I heard on a show recently (Call the Midwife) in response to someone asking where God was in a tragic death and the response was so clear and so loving and so true. It's hit my heart and I can't stop thinking about how it made me feel so incredibly loved and answered my longing question as to where God was when Jovi died. God isn't in the event. God is in the response to the event. He's in the love and care shown after. This rings so true in me. I, often, say that I truly felt God's immense love on the day Jovi died. He was there and He gave me everyone I needed. He didn't take my baby. But, He made it as good as He could. 

I want to tell her how people will ignore her. And avoid her because they don't know what to say. How she will suddenly be ignored and be made to feel like she did something wrong. I remember getting the nerve to finally venture to the grocery store and how people would see me and literally go the other way. So unloving. So hurtful. Again. So cold. I want to remind her that people just don't know what to say. They will try but fail miserably. I tried so hard to have grace but it would get so hard hearing how Jovi's death was like when their dog, Oliver, died. 

But, I want to tell her that with all those who are cold and mean and unloving, they'll be more than she can count who will wrap her in love. Wrap her in prayer. Wrap her in gifts. In help with easing financial stress and to help her with her precious boy and bring her yummy food. The community she lives in is (mostly) incredible and she's going to be blown away and left speechless by the love. And I want to remind her that that is where God is. Because I remember the immense struggle where He was when my baby died. But, He was right there. He was wrapping me in love and I didn't even know. 

Please be praying for a special mommy tonight and her sweet family. For her friends and family. And, also, for wisdom

for all those around her. 

3rd Time Walking

Today we were able to honor and remember Jovi and all other local babies lost to SIDS. 

I can't believe it's the third year now that I've had to go and be a part of this crappy group. I really slacked this year and didn't help at all with the run. I just couldn't and just didn't want to be a part of the group this year. Sometimes it's just way too hard. 

Again- I'm amazed by the attendance and the people who continue to come and honor my baby. The people who come and continue to support my family. 

A huge thank you to my fire family. I know I'm not technically part of it, but you all know who you are and you continue to amaze me with your kindness. You continue to amaze me with your support and that you all remember Jovi. Many of you are on the board of the foundation, volunteer, come to the run every yeasr... You all know who you are and mean more to me than I could ever say. I've gained many real and true friendships from you girls. Thank you. 

Thank you to some of my good friends. Those of you who came from miles away, those of you who came before a wedding, those of you who put in countless hours on the foundation and the run, those of you who continue to come and run every single year. It means so much to me to see your faces. 

Thank you to new friends who shared in their first run and for taking time out of your busy lives for my baby girl. 

I'm continued to be amazed by the impact Jovi has left. She is a remarkable baby. I know she was with us today and smiling at all of you who came just for her. 

Jovi- I'll continue to remember you every single day. I'll continue to be impacted by you every single day. I'll continue to love you every single day. While I like that I have an incredible support system, I wish you were here. I wish I didn't have to have a support system. I wish you were here to snuggle on the couch with, to read stories to, to do your hair, to wrestle you, to tell you "no", to hear your talk, to feed you breakfast, to hear you say mama and I love you...

I love you to Heaven and back. I'll never forget you, little lady. 

Love, Mommy

Loved.

Today I was thinking about you. And who you would be. 

I was thinking about the day I get to see you again. What an amazing day it will be. I wonder who you'll be then and how you'll look. 

I think of you, your sweet voice, your precious face, and the impact you've left on my heart so many times throughout my day. The tiniest things remind me of you. 

You are cherished. You are loved. 

You are missed every second of every day. 

 Come visit me soon?

I love you to Heaven and back, Jovi Sloan. 

I have died everyday waiting for you. 

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years. 

I'll love you for a thousand more. 

"A Thousand Years" Christena Perri

Cash E.

When did you get so big?!

You continue to make us laugh all day, every day. 

I could never tell you or explain to you his you kept me going in my darkest of days.

I'm so thankful you are our son. And that God gave me you. 

You are in kindergarten! You just finished your first week and seemed to love it. 

You make us proud. 

We are so thankful for you!

LJ

The amount of laughter, love and pure joy this girl brings our lives is unreal. 

Losing a baby makes you treasure and cherish everything. Even the very smallest of things. 

You, LJ, are full of life. 

We are so thankful for you. 

To My Younger Self

A friend posted on Facebook what we would write to ourselves now when we were younger. It really got me thinking. And made me realize how different my life has turned out. 

My biggest thing I would stress 'young' self is this- your life is going to turn out entirely different than you could ever imagine. Some really incredible, wonderful, amazing things will happen. Chapters of your life are going to be filled with joy, filled with laughter, filled with love, and filled full of wonder. But, with those good incredible chapters, your life will be filled with sadness, despair, tragic turns and events you won't see coming. You will fall. You will be knocked down. You will struggle and feel like you are drowning. 

But, you will always get up. You will keep smiling. After those really terrible chapters, light starts coming again. Laughter finds it's way back in. You will find joy and peace again. 

Despite the bad, you still will have a good life. You have been blessed. Very blessed. You will cherish and appreciate the smallest things. 

God is good. 

You need to own your life. You need to own it all- even the very bad chapters.