Saturday, September 27, 2014

Loved.

Today I was thinking about you. And who you would be. 

I was thinking about the day I get to see you again. What an amazing day it will be. I wonder who you'll be then and how you'll look. 

I think of you, your sweet voice, your precious face, and the impact you've left on my heart so many times throughout my day. The tiniest things remind me of you. 

You are cherished. You are loved. 

You are missed every second of every day. 

 Come visit me soon?

I love you to Heaven and back, Jovi Sloan. 


I have died everyday waiting for you. 

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years. 

I'll love you for a thousand more. 
"A Thousand Years" Christena Perri


Friday, September 5, 2014

Cash E.

When did you get so big?!

You continue to make us laugh all day, every day. 

I could never tell you or explain to you his you kept me going in my darkest of days.

I'm so thankful you are our son. And that God gave me you. 

You are in kindergarten! You just finished your first week and seemed to love it. 

You make us proud. 

We are so thankful for you!







LJ


The amount of laughter, love and pure joy this girl brings our lives is unreal. 

Losing a baby makes you treasure and cherish everything. Even the very smallest of things. 

You, LJ, are full of life. 

We are so thankful for you. 












To My Younger Self

A friend posted on Facebook what we would write to ourselves now when we were younger. It really got me thinking. And made me realize how different my life has turned out. 

My biggest thing I would stress 'young' self is this- your life is going to turn out entirely different than you could ever imagine. Some really incredible, wonderful, amazing things will happen. Chapters of your life are going to be filled with joy, filled with laughter, filled with love, and filled full of wonder. But, with those good incredible chapters, your life will be filled with sadness, despair, tragic turns and events you won't see coming. You will fall. You will be knocked down. You will struggle and feel like you are drowning. 

But, you will always get up. You will keep smiling. After those really terrible chapters, light starts coming again. Laughter finds it's way back in. You will find joy and peace again. 

Despite the bad, you still will have a good life. You have been blessed. Very blessed. You will cherish and appreciate the smallest things. 

God is good. 

You need to own your life. You need to own it all- even the very bad chapters.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Today

Today I miss you more than yesterday. 

I miss the way you exercised in the bath. 

I miss your sweet little voice. 

I miss the way you always cried in the car. 

I miss waking you up just because I missed you. 

I miss kissing you. 

I missed you sitting. 

I missed you walking. 

I missed you saying mama. 

I missed you becoming you. 

I missed you swimming. 

I missed you going to school. 

I missed you in a dance recital. 

I missed you going to prom. 

I missed you graduating. 

I missed you getting married. 

I missed you having babies. 


I love you more than ever. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. 

I love you to Heaven and back, little lady. 

Love, 
Mommy 


Monday, August 4, 2014

Tired Momma

Dear Tired Momma, 

I see it in your eyes. The struggle and the look of desperation. The thing about motherhood is it's insanely difficult. And no one tells you it is. Everyone says it's so dreamy. And you love your baby more than anything. And you are going to just love being a mommy. While this is true, motherhood is hard. It's trying and somedays it's incredibly difficult and you hate it. And that's okay. 

You see, Tired Momma, no one tells you that your little miracle baby may not sleep for months. Months they will cry and you will be running on very low hours of sleep. You'll be expected to function. Expected to keep the house clean. Expected to have well dressed kids. Expected to lose all the baby weight. Expected to feed your baby all organic food all the while you are expected to make the said organic good all the while you are expected to keep the landfills from overfilling by using cloth diapers. Being a mom is hard, hard work. 

You see, tired momma, you will have days where your baby cries and you accidentally turn off the baby monitor in a zombie-like state. Only to wake up in the morning and realize what you did. You never went in. You feel so terrible. But, it's okay, tired momma. Baby is okay. 

You see, momma, you will have days where you feed your toddler Mac and cheese (Kraft, even, not the organic stuff) complete with no veggies or fruit. You'll feel entirely guilty that you don't have a "balanced" meal. And you know what? It's okay. Your toddler will be okay on a meal of boxed food. 

You see, momma, there are days where you will allow your preschooler to watch too much screen time because the sound of their voice and their never-ending stories are starting to make you cringe. And. Again. It's okay, momma. Tomorrow will be a better and new day. 

The thing is, momma, is too many of us put guilt on ourselves to be perfect. And that just isn't possible. Striving to be something that isn't possible. 

You need to think about yourself, momma. And if the occasional meal without organic fruits and veggies helps your sanity- it's worth it. 

If you let your child(ren) watch too much tv one day because you just can't handle doing dozens of Pinterest crafts with your kid(s)... Or you just can't handle anymore talking about the neighbor kid's bike... Do it. It's okay. It's worth your sanity. 

If baby was up all night with a cold and you eat 7 pancakes instead of going for that jog... You know what? It's okay. 

At the end of the day, your babies will never remember if they had balanced meals. They won't remember the occasional day they were allowed to watch tv all day (heck, they will probably love it), or if they had to cry themselves to sleep one night because of an occasional monitor mishap. 

You child feels loved. They know they are loved. That is what is important. They don't care about minutes of screen time. They don't judge you for feeding them a plate filled with orange food, and they don't judge you for eating an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's after dinner. 

These little love-sucking monsters love you for you. You are their world. You keep them safe. You keep them fed. You are their hero. The person who instantly makes boo-boo's feel better. The person who showers them with kisses. The one who is there to encourage them to eat their dinner with a spoon, to love their sister, and to ride a bike without training wheels. 

You are doing an incredible job, momma. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

LJ is Admitted

Little Lila spent six total days in the hospital this month. We "celebrated" the 4th of July in the hospital. We missed out on Parker's Place (a camp for families who have lost a child), and we faced a lot
of fears. She was discharged just two days before Jovi's anniversary. Stressful? Very. But, did create a distraction even if it was a very bad distraction. 

Lila had been sick off and on for awhile with a lingering cough. I'd taken her in numerous times and she even was on antibiotics just 2 weeks before admit. LJ got really sick on Tuesday. Fever of 102. Lethargic. No appetite. Threw up once. I assumed that she had the barfs. I was prepared for a long night with a barfing kiddo. She slept all night. Woke up at 4 am with a 103 fever. She was sounding pretty junky and really lethargic. I was reading stuff online (good ole trust google) and really thought she could have pneumonia. All the signs were everything she had had recently... 
She was seen at peds office. We went for an X-ray and lab work. X-ray showed left lower lobe pneumonia. Labs came back looking ok but not bad/not great. Decided to admit her (I think started mainly because of our crappy history). 

By the time we got to the hospital, she wouldn't lift up her head and had a fever of 105. This was the scariest moment. She was so sick and I was so thankful to be where someone else could "save her". 
I didn't realize how scared I was until we finally came home. And I could finally process how crappy that week was and how terrified I was of losing her. After all, it seems much more probable for someone to die from pneumonia than  nothing at all. 

She was on oxygen and iv antibiotics. We slept together one bed which was sweet at first since we aren't a cosleeping family. But, as she slowly got better, it got harder to keep her entertained and to drift off to sleep. She ate her weight in crackers. Learned how to make the bed go up and down. Got numerous new toys (thank you everyone). Gave me forty kisses before falling asleep... She really did so well for being strapped down in a bed for so long. I was very proud of her. 

We were so blessed and had some great nurses. My good friend was one of our nurses for half of our stay. She's a Godsend. Really. And the other, was so funny and been on the peds floor for a very long time. I briefly knew her as well. We were so lucky to have them and our favorite pediatrician to help us (mainly me) through such a hard time and help LJ get better. 

She's continuing to do very well. And seems to feel much better. I'm praying she will be able to keep bugs away for awhile. She's such a joy. She's so happy and I'm so, SO thankful she's still here in my arms.