Genuine

Life is good. 

For the first time in months (eighteen roughly), I feel like I am really living life. 

For the first time in months, I find myself thrilled to see what the day has to offer. 

For the first time in months, I feel lighter. 

For the first time in months, I smile because I'm happy. There is genuine happiness behind my smile. 

For the first time since Jovi died, I wake up ready for the day. I wake up ancipating life and the sheer gift it is to still be here, breathing. 

For the first time since my daughter died, I feel like me (a new, better version). 

See when I lost Jovi, life turned upside down. It fell apart. It was dark. Very dark. It took every ounce of me to get out of bed. It took all my energy to put one foot in front of the other and that was exhausting. Days were filled with just being there. Days were filled with sheer sadness and depression. Days were filled with grief and pushing myself through these terrible feelings. Days were filled with guilt. Days were filled with reliving. Days were filled with daydreams of what could have been. Days were filled with wishing it weren't true. Every day I woke up reliving a nightmare... Wishing I would finally wake up and it would all be a terrible dream. I was getting up. I was walking. I was breathing. I was doing day-to-day activities.  I was not here, though. I wasn't living. 

I'm not sure what happened or when if happened, but I feel like I'm becoming me again. I feel happiness. I feel genuine, real joy. I can't even begin to describe how good it feels. God is good. Life is good. 

I still miss my baby so much it hurts my heart. I still have a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I still am broken and missing a piece of me. I still wonder everyday who she would be and what she'd be like. I still wish she was here every single day. I wonder, multiple times a day, what life would be like if Jovi Sloan was still walking down here with me. 

But, Jovi isn't. She is in Heaven. Smiling and feeling more joy than I could possibly imagine. I'm living life here, without her. But, enjoying my life here, without her. It feels good. It's been so long since I could say I was enjoying life, but I am... Finally. 

It doesn't mean I'm healed. Or I'm fixed. Or I'm forever better. Days will come that are filled with black clouds, a heavy heart, and numerous tears. Days will come filled with anger. Days will come where I'm reliving the nightmare all over again. But, I will not let the crappiest of days define my life.

It feels, almost, like cheating on Jovi to say I'm enjoying life without her. But, I will choose to remember the 16 weeks of sheer happiness, guilt-free, grief-free, ignorant bliss that I was blessed to have with Jovi. I will let those moments define my life. I want to choose to remember the good. I don't have to live in a sea of dark depression for the rest of my days here with my family and friends. I want to be better. I want to live better. Life is a gift. 

Jovi Sloan- you've inspired me. You've inspired me to be better. To live better. To live happily. To love Jesus more. To love my family more. To be a better wife. To be a better mom. You've inspired me to live. I won't waste a minute here without you. I love you, sweet girl, to Heaven and back. 

Far Away

Here we are... About to embark on another new year. I can't believe 2013 is over... I can't believe I survived an entire year where my baby wasn't here. I can't believe I'm going into another year that will be missing Jovi. 

2013 has been good to us. I've found more reasons to smile. I've remembered I'm blessed. I have an amazing husband, a wonderful little man and was blessed with a new little beauty. I have an extremely supportive family and awesome friends. It's been a year filled with laughs and smiles and more tears of joy than I ever thought possible. I've seen a baby get teeth. I've been able to buy a Christmas dress. I've taken a little to his first day of preschool. I've fed a baby solids. I've taken littles swimming. We've gone to waterparks. We taken vacations. I've seen one of my own babies turn 6 months. I've celebrated a little man's 4th birthday. An amazing work promotion for my great hubby. New friends. I've loved. I've been loved. It's been so good. Thanks for the good, 2013. I'm so, SO thankful. 

2013 has came with tears of sadness and low moments, too. My grandpa joined Jovi in Heaven. I went to a baby shower with a baby there whose name is Jovie. I've gone through Jovi's first birthday Joviless... And forced to relive the day she died. I've realized I'll never have a picture of all my babies that doesn't include a grave. I've relived the day we celebrated Jovi's life. I've been to the cemetery more than I'd ever like.... I've lost countless tears and spent countless hours thinking about my baby in Heaven. 

I never thought that'd I'd live through the last half of 2012, never thought it possible to make it through the entire 2013 without one smile from Jovi, and yet, here I am, about to ring in another year. I've made it so far...

 2014... I pray you are more healing than I could imagine. I pray you bring my family more laughs than tears and more joy than sadness. 

Jovi- you've made me want to be better. I will do my very best not to waste a minute here without you. 

 

"I love you 

I've loved you all along

And I miss you 

Been far away for far too long 

I keep dreaming 

You'll be with me

And you'll never go

Stop breathing 

If I don't see you anymore"

"Far Away" Nickelback

Cashy

Dear Jovi,

You have the sweetest brother. He misses you so much. He asks about you so much. He talks about you so much. He sleeps with Jovi Bear snuggled right next to him and says, "It makes me feel like I'm snuggling Jovi". 

Did you see what he did the other day? He saw a man asking for money outside of Walmart. He had a broken leg. Cash was very concerned about him and wanted to go home to take him some of his very own money. We went home, put Cash's money in a bag, added some treats and took it back. Cash gave it to him... And it was all his idea. He has a kind heart. 

I owe Cashy so much. He saved us when you left. He kept me breathing and living. He saved me. He made me keep going. He kept me laughing. He kept me smiling. He gave me a reason to get out of bed. 

He is scared, too. He's scared of losing another sister. The other day he said he didn't want Lila to die. It breaks my heart he has to know. He has to know hurt. He has to know fear. And that he has to worry about another sister... 

Cashy misses you. So much. He still remembers his first sister all the time. 

I love you to Heaven and back. 

Love, 

Mommy 

He is so silly 

He helps carry Christmas trees

He goes bowling 

Swimming

Dear Jovi,

We went swimming today. I realized I never got to take you swimming while you were here. I guess I took you to the lake but all I did was out your feet in. I didn't see you splash and squeal in delight. While in the water park, I couldn't help but think what it would be like if you were here... 21 months old... Toddling all around and going down the little baby water slides. How I wish I could see...
Do you have water parks in Heaven? :)

Your brother was so brave and had a blast. Even went down the big slides all by himself! He's getting so big. Your sister loved every minute of playing in the water. She shrieked and squealed... I can't help but think you were smiling watching us play and smile and laugh and enjoy the day.

You were missed so much. You were thought about so much.

I love you to Heaven and back.

Love,
Mommy

Christmas

Dear Jovi,

Christmas is here again.... And we are celebrating Christmas again without you. How is it even fair? It feels so much more real this year... More sad and more depressing and more that this is our life forever. We are stuck attempting to enjoy holidays while missing our baby... While missing our sister... I can't help but think what you'd want. What toy would grab your attention or what outfits I would he buying you. Would you be a big girl? Petite? I'd imagine petite. You always were just a little peanut. 

Your brother and sister saw Santa. I always tear up with these "big" milestones. We have a picture with Cash and Santa every year since his first Christmas. It was a family tradition at my house and my mom still displays our yearly Santa photos. I've always looked forward to continuing the tradition until last year... When I had to step foot in the mall without you to take the big traditional photo. I was so blessed to have Cash, but you were missing. It was so hard. This year, however, we had a little lady to take to see Santa with Cash. I have a Santa picture of two of my kids. I rejoice that Lila has lived to see Santa. I rejoice I was able to get her and your brother all dolled up to see Santa. But, again, you were missing. You weren't there. I don't have a picture of three kids sitting on Santa's lap. It's times like these that reinforce we are not complete. We are not whole. We will never have a picture of all of our babies together that doesn't include a grave, a "J", or something else that symbolizes you. 

I teared up putting your footprint ornament on the tree. I teared up hanging your stocking and hate thinking we go another year where it sits empty... But, I feel like we are still including you. And while part of me is so sad to see it hanging, the other part just loves to see your name in our house... Your stocking hanging with your siblings. 

I miss you more as each day passes. What are you doing right now? Are you getting ready for Jesus's birthday? I can only imagine the celebration...

I love you to Heaven and back. 

Love,

Mommy

Pulled

I can't believe I am going on two Christmas's without my baby.

Where has the time gone? And to think I have many more Christmas's that I have to spend without my complete family, is heartbreaking.

I, often, feel so pulled in being a mom to kids here and one in Heaven. I want to be an advocate for SIDS and do so much for our local SIDS program. I want to get tons of darling decorations for Jovi's grave... I want to spend more time at Jovi's grave... I want to spend more time thinking about her... I want to blog more... But, then I have to stop and remind myself that she isn't here. As sucky and so crappy as it is, Jovi is not here. Jovi is okay. Jovi is amazing. Jovi is happy. And Jovi knows I love her regardless of what I'm doing. Jovi knows I think about her as I drive the car.  Jovi knows I think about her when I give her siblings a bath and she isn't in there... Jovi knows. I don't have to prove my love to her with fancy decor and hours of volunteering. I, also, have to remind myself that I have two young kids who need me here. Two, on Earth, who need fed... bathed... played with... it's just not my season to be a huge advocate at this time. As much as I want to... I have to remind myself that it's, sometimes, not my season. I have years to volunteer. Years to help newly bereaved families... But, I do feel so pulled between the two... Heaven and Earth.

I'm thinking of making this blog more, too, about letters to Jovi. Letters about what we have been doing and being able to show other families that life can and does continue on... despite a very broken heart. We still smile. We still laugh. We still love... and I want to show that. I want this as an avenue for the sad and so hard days, too.  But, I want to show the good days. The lighter days that are filled with joy.

Jovi Sloan- I miss you more today than I did yesterday. I miss you when your brother and sister wake up and I miss you when I put them to bed. I see so much of you in them and wonder so much about what life could/should be like. I can't imagine who you would be right now or what you would look like. You'd be so big!! My mind can't even comprehend what my 20 month old baby would look like... I'd give anything just for a glimpse of you. I miss you every second of everyday. I love you, baby, to Heaven and back.

Snuggles

You visited me in my dreams. Whether or not it's really you... I don't care. I still feel like I got to be with you.

I haven't seen you in my dreams in months... for a really long time. I prayed and asked God for a Jovi dream and guess what? I saw you that very night.

We were all on vacation... swimming in a pool. I felt really torn between you and Lila. I couldn't get to you... but you just kept throwing up. You looked so, so sick. You were weak and would just lay around while Cash swam and swam. I finally was able to pick you up. It felt so good to hold you. To snuggle your sweet body. You smiled at me. You knew who I was and I knew you. Every time I see you in my dreams, I am mesmerized by you. I could stare at you all day. I held you and hugged you for the longest time. I know you knew... and I know you felt loved. There's something about us... I knew you the minute I saw you when you were born and since you've passed and I get a Jovi visit in my dreams... it's the same. We just know each other. The bond is still there. I held you and enjoyed every second. But, you were sick. I could tell being with us was hard on you and just not right. So, I gave you one last tight squeeze and set you down... and you just drifted off... and were gone. As if I knew you were better off where you are now... in Heaven. While many would think dreams would be hard, (they are) but they are better than nothing at all. I cherish the few minutes I got with you even if I had to wake up only to realize they weren't true or you were still in Heaven and I still on Earth... having who knows what in between us. I still love to see you.

I've often wondered if you would have lived a really hard life if she had stayed... Did God bring you home early because you would have lived a tragic, hard, or painful life here if you got to live longer? Were you taken early because that was the best for all of us?

I know our reunion in Heaven is going to only be a fraction of what it is here. But, you always know who I am when I see you in my dreams. And I know you will know when I get to Heaven. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like to hold you for eternity... never being afraid of waking up and realizing it isn't real. Thank you for the snuggles, baby. I loved every minute. I love you so much... to Heaven and back.

"Forever could never be long enough for me to feel like I've  had long enough with you." Train